This year's Mabon has a significance for me as my birthday being in September is linked to this time when I have turned 40.
The welsh I have read have known this time as 'Alban Elfed' ~ meaning 'light of autumn'.
At this time of equal light and dark ~ the turning of the wheel. I find myself standing at a point where I am reflecting on my choices. I am calling for clarity which comes with this light of autumn.
Years ago I heard the theory that we all choose our lives and this as I remember was said in connection with the 'new age' theory of that everyone chooses their parents. At the time I remember myself and others around me reacting to this statement with feelings of anger and upset. I felt it was simplistic and open to blame.
Like most parents ~ mine were far from perfect. How much they were conscious of their patterns...how much they 'felt' or 'thought' they had control over their actions and lives ~ I do not know.
Later on... when reflecting on this idea, I had the thought that I could have chosen to be with the people who were my parents just like I choose who my friends are. I make choices at the time with the awareness and knowledge I have at that time.
And I am also aware that past, present and future also co-exist.
Being with this thought....to own my own life ~ is for me to work with owning my life as my choice. Not to be a victim of life. I am responsible and embrace life. I embrace learning and so can I be with not knowing and asking? Not having the answers?. Being with open curiosity. Risking meeting the 'fool'. Embracing the journey?
But how then can I reconcile other's lives who are in pain and suffering?
My next thought then goes to a more holistic model where as individuals we are not isolated but are interlinked in some way. So the actions of one affects others.
If I go with this thought then how much responsibility do I take regarding actions of others?
This question has also been present with me through my desire and experience of working magically. I have experienced putting out intentions, desires, wishes and receiving responses. I have questioned how much awareness I have of where those intentions, desires, wishes are coming from. How much do I know of myself? And these questions get more complex when working with others ~ esp in large numbers in Public Rituals. I have not and cannot be clear what other people's intentions, desires or wishes could be. I cannot be another person. When working magically I realize that I am asking for a conscious awareness of our connection and of working with integrity.
More recently through I have become more aware and sometimes painfully so that at times I do not know myself. I have witnessed myself constructing what I think are 'excellent' reasons/arguments and thoughts to support my belief at the time that I do know myself. Only to realize that there were layers that I was not fully aware of. I am aware of how seductive this false God/'Demiurge' is.
But I am also aware that Working magically ~ means not only being ~ fully being in my life ~ but also that I put a trust in my soul and heart speaking clearly. That intention has a clarity which transcends and is an accurate homing beacon. For me working magically is becoming more fully present and awake.
As the leaves begin to have their energy and light drawn back into the trees and the 'bone's of the trees or exposed. I think of all the birds who have less shelter. I think of the beauty of the trees and their shapes against the dusk sky. I think of the winds which I experience come at Equinox. I stand at the centre of the wheel and at the same time on the outside of the wheel.
Most of all I call to those close to my heart that give me warmth as the hearth. As the days draw shorter and the night longer. I give thanks for the abundance of my friendships. I give thanks and acknowledgement to my heart connections which I nurture and value.