Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Ho' opononopo

With the sun bright and brilliantly hot today I sat in the park with two friends as the near by fitness club blasted out dance music. We asked surely this must be painful for them? Hitting pounding their eardrums their bodies? But why do people do this? How can they hear the music when it's so loud?

A child is born into this world wanting to be loved and to love. That is our natural state of being. A child can only thrive through food from the heart. Look what food we are feeding our children. Drinks from plastic bottles filled with fluorescent coloured drinks layered with artificial ingredients manufactured from laboratories.

And so I ask how can people enjoy and call these experiences as healthy and nourishing. Could these be in fact symptomatic of di-sease with oneself and others. Could these be in fact addictions where natural responses have been silenced. For everything is vibration. Is sound. So many are choosing noise.

For me it is a challenge being with honesty and compassion for those are two main tools for healing. And are of the Heart. One could say but surely this should come so easily? Surely, it is our natural state of being to be able to be honest with ourselves and others. To love ourselves and others. To have empathy for ourselves and others. To be able to feel and not numb ourselves from ourselves, from each other, from life. To in fact fully embrace and be in Life. Be in Love. For I often reflect on how powerful an open heart is when I am met by the gaze of the tender vulnerability of an open child.

If a child is brought into this world experiencing neglect and/or abuse from their parents. A child will find this not only confusing but also life threatening. And so the child builds layers of defence against this threat. The bigger the threat either in frequency or volume then the child will need a defence of equal power to protect against this threat. This defence a child builds in order to numb against  the pain. Parents after all are more powerful. The child is totally dependent on their parents. And so we learn these mantras ~ "Parents must be right". "Parents do not lie". The child must survive. Survive in order to be fed food for their bodies as well as their hearts.

We learn how to behave from our parents. So we grow up into adults with our parents inside us. If we had healthy parents these internalised parents would be affirming and positive. Not fearful. We would have a sense of security along with freedom to explore. And those parents would not overshadow but be integrated into our own adult selves. Supporting us to be our unique selves while at the same time having an experience of belonging and inter-connectedness.

Because it is our natural state of being to want to heal. People search out people to play out the same story or similar stories which fit nicely together. In the attempt to heal the original patterns and wounds. But the problem is that we are not always aware of this process and it can be incredibly painful to be shown our own negative behaviours/patterns. For those defences kept us alive. And instead we can get stuck in reliving the past. Reinforcing the story of blame and shame. Of fear.

So the defences from childhood become tangled up in who we think we are. What we think others want. We then add to those knots believing the knots will hold us together. Binding making us strong. Some knots have hidden knots inside them. Some knots have incredible textures and colours. Amazing patterns. For they must be cunning, devious and delicate. Distracting us from revealing who we really are. Distracting others. We continue to lie to ourselves that these defences are not hurting us. Because we are stuck in defending from the original hurt. We are stuck on repeat. With the terrible truth that knots breed causing more hurts. We continue to label co-dependency as loving others and ourselves. As the saying goes we tie ourselves up into knots. For fear if we pull on one of those threads what will hold us together? .

I am reminded of the line in Peter Gabriel's song Signal To Noise ~

"yet there's still something in my heart
that can find a way to turn up the signal
wipe out the noise"

It can take courage to be honest. It is vital that with that honesty comes compassion. And for some this can be a life long journey to unpick those knots and threads. For if those knots took years in making that span generations. Then it will take energy, focus, commitment, time and care to for healing. For this complex story has woven many together. When we heal ourselves we are supporting others in their healing. Our knots can also be their knots. Even in our darkest of times when feeling isolated and defeated. We are 'in this together'. 

I would also reflect and wonder at how much I have learnt from my healing. How much understanding I have of others in pain. I would give thanks for this healing. I would give thanks to the people who I have asked to join me on my journey. As I now know that they came into my life to heal themselves and me. With this thanks I realise there is forgiveness that is all encompassing. And I realise more and more that through this healing I have been gaining knowledge which is supporting others on their path to healthiness.

Finally I end this post with Ho' opononopo the ancient Huna Hawaiian forgiveness practise to "set right," release karma, and cut any cords of pain of debt that in fact go back generations. I send out this prayer:~

I am sorry
Please forgive me
I love you
Thank you.

Sunday, 27 May 2012

Kew Gardens


Bumble bee drunk
collide into flowers
Body drench with pollen.
Queen Wasp Jaws snap
Stripping wood for her new nest .

Thursday, 24 May 2012

Worlds within Worlds

Recently discovered cave in Vietnam is massive beyond description.
An entire forest is growing inside.

Friday, 18 May 2012


drink in the waters of life
swim in the ocean of blood
to rise
to fly so deep
in fire
towers burn white
wings beat inside thunder
break open
shatter to the wind
angel dust

Picture by Lynzi Wildheart
"those who took neither side
when Lucifer and the Trinity
fought ~
those angels,
noble and worthy,
who were compelled to descend to earth
to this same stone"

The Grail Legend ~ The Grail as Stone. p 150. E.Jung & M-L Von Franz

"The vessel is always One, and it must be round
like the vault of heaven so that celestial influences
can contribute to the work. It is also often called a matrix or uterus,
in which the filius philosphorum is born,
and at the same time it is, in a mysterious way,
identical with its contents. For instance, it is simply the aqua permanens itself.
Mercurius is 'our true hidden vessel, and also the Philosophical Garden
in which our sun rises and ascends."
The Grail Legend ~ The Grail as Stone. p142. E. Jung & M-L Von Franz

Monday, 14 May 2012

Letting Go Letting In

I have planned many journeys. Bought the guide books, heard the stories. Analysed the ordnance survey maps. Gazed on photographs. I have believed the weather forecasts trying to hide from rain. I have imagined that only certain parts would challenge me. That others would be more beautiful. I have assumed that if not marked on the map it would not exist.

Dancing between desire and fear to be open to discovery and surprise. The biggest surprise time and time again is realising that though I have chosen to walk a path. I in fact cannot know what I will feel. What I will learn. What I will experience. 

I can set out wanting to find bluebells only to find an abundance of yellow flowered gorse followed by not one or two but four blisters. Or in my fear of the urgency of a horse wanting to speak to me ~  I would be lost having to walk a main road instead of a wooded path. With blisters burning hot as I felt so alone as I realised I had walked miles in the wrong direction.
Finally I would arrive at my destination, a bus stop with the growing realisation that I had learnt about listening. Listening to my fear instead of running so that I could speak and hear the horse. That I could talk with my body so that the blisters did not burst and did not burn with too much pain.

Each of my journeys have had such surprises. A richness. Bitter and sweet medicine that has healed those parts which I need to let go of. Those parts which I have cherished. I have learnt that abundance can only exist if it has space. Where there is life there must be death. Beginnings and endings. It is all part of life. And so it is with sadness and joy that I reflect on my last journey. With the realisation that with every exploration and discovery I cast away the maps, the books, photographs and shed the old stories. And I learn again to walk bare foot on the earth.

Sunday, 13 May 2012

Cadair Idris

And so I return, once again from the mountain lake formed from ice.
To drink in ancient memory.
To listen to the Song
Distant soft thunder like bees.
To drink in the nectar of a million stars.
Birthing and dying.
To see the depths blue black dive into Sky.
To touch the light swimming buried deep
reflecting so bright above.
To stare into the guardians bright yellow Eyes
 Masked white by sea bird face.
At once fierce clear and soft, paddling on the water or soaring in the clouds.
In sky's clear blue or sharp black with rain.
Their calls cry shot arrow from the winds.
To shelter beside tender violet flower heads, barely nodding
Silently solitary sheltering in the edge.
I wake alive
Skin to earth
Bone to stone.
Breath to water.

Monday, 7 May 2012

Waking up from the Dream

Four experiences.

I was late for work. 30 minutes to be precise. At the top of my roads mini hill, I got off my cycle as I had decided to walk the narrow passage way between the school fence and high wall. Where upon I noticed at the entrance of the path a brown mass moving. It looked sticky with leaves stuck on the top. I stopped and bent down. A huge Toad. Now believe it or not. Even with all my travels and walks this is the first time I had seen a Toad in person. Well I thought that's amazing. In the middle of London. I then entered the pathway to notice another toad. Behind this Toad mating toads one on top of the other, following the other one. Behind these two another. And so on. I immediately realised one does not mess with the Toad. For this reason Toads must be named by a capital T. For they are royalty. Anyway, I swiftly left them to their private business, not wanting to disturb, confident they would safely find their destination.
Later cycling back home, at a busy cross-roads, above the noise of cars I heard the ribbeting of a frog. How was that possible to hear this natural sound above so much noise? Now I thought this is getting ridiculous.

I decided to take a walk on Hampstead Heath. This was not easy as I had battle with the voice inside saying I was bored of walking on the Heath. I knew it and besides it was over populated by people. It wasn't 'wild enough'. None the less I had urged myself on and had managed to get myself to the edge of the Heath via the village. With my mind chattering I noticed that I was walking against the tide. In a slight rain mist, the after lunch time strollers were walking back home to the village. Great, less people I thought and then sighed at myself for having this thought. Oh well onwards. I know I will visit the huge Old Oak Tree by the pond. After sitting against the tree I searched for other Oaks surrounding this one. Sadly I found none and then put out a question. Where to next. And the answer came back the tree near to the bench above the lake.
It was only after the fourth tree that I then realised that I was walking the heath guided by the trees. It was at that moment that I felt lost. And at that moment I realised I had escaped the cage of my chattering. I was walking the heath by root and branch. Not by the human map. I was venturing deeper. Each tree with so much to share. So much witnessed. Each tree interlinked. After following the trees I found myself on the green grass expanse. I found I could trace the line I had walked by the thread pulling me backwards from my heart to the Old Oak Tree. I tested myself. Could I trace this thread from the Old Oak Tree to me. I could not. This knowledge could only be traced from my heart back along the thread. I had managed to silence my head and had found my heart. In fact I was not lost at all.

I had my friends the Bears ~ S and C Bear over the weekend. Neither familiar with London I took them to my local wood Highgate first and Queenswood second. In this order as I was curious to see how much the Bears experience mirrored mine. I remarked how extraordinary it is that this once one woodland now separated from the road, has such completely different atmospheres and characters. The Bears noticed this immediately. Where the first one had lots of space between the trees , with a green open expanse in the middle and being more or less flat. Queenswood {S Bear remarked Queen being female this was of little surprise}with winding paths, twisted tangled trees and a bare space in the middle labelled Witches Coven. We walked on and circled a protected partial fenced area. We were transported to the land of dinosaurs. Ancient. I felt so small. As we walked rat after rat ran in front of our path. One or two rats I thought would have been not surprising. But we had now lost count. Besides were there rats in the time of dinosaurs?.

Yesterday on the bus to Muswell Hill with carefully labelled envelopes for the charity shop with jewellery I had made with semi-precious stones. I was excited to be giving away this treasures. I was sitting above and just behind a mother with her baby boy. I'm not very good at distinguishing whether baby's are boys or girls but I decided yes this was a boy. Healthy fat red cheeks. Bit bored. His attentive mother shifted the angle of his pram so he could observe the world more. Now he was happy. We caught each others eye a few times. I wasn't interested just a baby I thought. After looking around the bus he looked at me and I was aghast. With a cheeky flirtatious grin he twinkled at me
 "Go on I dare you"
"Ha ha got ya!"
"Yes you have! Oh my God!".
And he looked away. For those few moments this was no baby. But a man teasing me. And then that man was gone. Instead a baby.
Now I'm used to sensing old souls. And I'm used to babies and toddlers inquisitiveness with me. But this. This was different. I wasn't sure whether I had glimpsed the man that was or would be.

One could find many meanings in all these events. Look into the symbolism of Toads and rats. Read up on rainbow, purple children or reincarnation. Read up on Earth energy lines, Tree Divas or dowsing. Read up on quantum physics and time travel. But for me it is how those experiences felt at the time. How I feel privileged and gifted. I imagine some would say like a child. I love how children can be 'lost' in fascination. Not worrying about time and the 'next to do thing on the list'. Time opens up and with that the possibilities of experiencing and feeling more.

I can remember that when I have been 'late' I have usually bumped into someone I haven't seen for a long while or experience wonders like the migration of the Toad. When I noticed that I had 'lost my mind' on the Heath I chuckled to myself. Usually that is a phrase associated with madness. But for me I felt my experience was akin to those moments in meditation where after a few blissful seconds of being in the moment. My mind has gone only to find myself/my mind chattering again.

Each of these moments were profound. I would describe these experiences as being part of a window into an expanded conscious state. Outside the limitations of the ego mind. Some might describe this as a Shamanic or Magical state of being. My friend Reya encapsulates it with this question "If this was a dream what would it mean?"