Underneath the Hunters Full Moon

"When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandise the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful." Barbara Bloom.

Underneath the Hunters Full Moon.
I crouch cramped freezing around the smoking fire.
My drum skin taught tight
Only a harsh sound will it rasp.

Unsettled Souls entangled in their fright fight
Against the night.
I share the hurt of my heart for a mother's love.
For me. For herself.

So this is love.
Grief that was never allowed
Until now.

No longer wishing to be haunted
It is time to forgive.
And so I am my mother's daughter.
I am me. Not her.

Underneath the Hunters Moon.
I am the Hunter and the Hunted.
I am lips parted baring teeth white
Sharpened by the night.

***

May all Souls find Peace.

The voice of my heart

 Oct 2012

Death is not in the nature of things; it is the nature of things. But what dies is the form. The matter is immortal.  ~ John Fowles

"Heidegger, the twentieth-century German philospher, clarifies this paradox. He preposed two models of existence: the everyday mode and the ontological mode (from onto, "being", and the suffix ~logy, "study of"). In your everyday mode, you are entirely absorbed in your surroundings, and you marvel at how things are in the world; whereas in the ontological mode, you focus on and appreciate the miracle of "being" itself and marvel that things area, that you are.
There is a crucial difference between how things are and that things are. When absorbed in everyday mode, you turn toward such evanescent distrations as physical appearance, style, possessions, or prestige. In the ontological mode, by contrast, you are not only more aware of existance and mortality and life's other inmutable characteristics but also more anxious and more primed to make significant changes. You are prompted to grapple with your fundamental human responsibility to construct an authentic life of engagement, connectivity, meaning, and self-fulfillment." p33-34, Staring at the Sun by Irvin Yalom.

Could it be possible to experience life as part of Death and Death as part of life in everyday. That in fact in embracing the other/diversity one does not loose individuality. Could this be what some describe as the third way? A uniting of the everyday with awareness. Some would call this blaspheme. For Spirit  would not appear to be locked away.    

When we face our mortality we become mindful of being. We become aware that each moment passes. As each cell is born it will die. To be replaced by another. As it is not possible to hold onto each breath. We all will reach that moment of our last breath.

Living in the city it is hard to remember the connection with the cycles of life. No longer is food dug from earth or meat an animal killed.

Still I find myself naked as I wander through the forest. Winding. I follow the root, the branch, the rustling leaves, warmth of earth and smell of green. Some would call this a dream.

“Whether we realize it or not, we are all dreaming the world into being. What we're engaging in is not the sleeping act we're so familiar with, but rather a type of dreaming we do with our eyes open. When we're unaware that we share the power to co-create reality with the universe itself, that power slips away from us, causing our dream to become a nightmare. We begin to feel we're the victims of an unknown and frightening creation that we're unable to influence, and events seem to control and trap us. That only way to end this dreadful reality is to awaken to the fact that it too is a dream - and then recognize our ability to write a better story, one that the universe will work with us to manifest" p1, Courageous Dreaming by Alberto Villoldo

Another strand is loosened. I unravel. All those knots stitches that pulled me together. Shaped into being. I am falling apart. Asking who the hell or is it heaven on earth am I?

And so I realize that my mind is small. Fearful. It has been telling me stories of the ultimate fear in death. Being lost.

"But to be a person means to be faced every minute with the decision to live or die, to accept the invitations for more vitality or to decline them out of fear or lethargy". p35, Dark Nights of the Soul by Thomas Moore.

I begin to realise that my mind fears the unknown which is life. Being alive. Being with possibility. Being with beauty. Being open. Not in control. Being with the infinite that exists outside and inside.  To celebrate diversity. To value life. To dare to crack open the heart. Some call this Love. Some call this Divine. Some call this being alive.

It with this connection I frame this passage between the picture which gave birth to colour ~ And my new birthed drum made with blood earth. Dragon blood. Held by the wisdom of Yew and Beech. Witnessed by two magical gatekeepers of the Crafting in Spirit ~ 'Shamanic Druidry'

I call this the voice of my heart

Gratitude

When you become one with Source, fear becomes just a strange word without any meaning
♥
http://www.greenyatra.org/
♥

Last weekend on the Healing course at the School of Intuition and Healing ~ http://www.intuitionandhealing.co.uk/index.html ~ 
we had been focusing on the Subtle Bodies which make up the aura/ energy field around the body. One particular exercise I found particularly powerful was when the teacher said words while we focused on our own Subtle Bodies. We were asked to sense any changes be that colour, image or density as she said a series of words which included War, Shame and Love.What I quickly realised was that as soon as an association/feeling/experience was felt with that word, there was an immediate effect on the Subtle Bodies. And more than that, the affect lingered. This exercise gave an invaluable learning that was tangible. More than a theory or idea stuck in the head/ego. This was a learning we could touch and feel. An energy. A vibration.
IAs I have continued my journey of the Black Sun/Dancing with my Shadow this week. One experience has lifted and uplifted me. That is gratitude.
My memory of how that word has been mis-used was rather persistent. Too often the word gratitude would come after 'should'. A threat smothering and denying feelings. Negating it's true meaning. Not surprising this would quickly be followed by a feeling of confusion and guilt. But what was I guilty of?
This confusion of what gratitude could mean caused me to wondered whether my experience could be described as gratitude. And I realised how vital language is. For owning and sharing experience.
I quickly realized my experience was not how I have heard the word being used with the negative phrase of "you will be grateful". Or being said like a dry fill in, padding out the sentence. Or as a throw away flippant "thank you".
My experience was and is as a rush of joyful wonder. A sensuality ready to soak up. A desire to dive in and let go. An awareness of being awake. Fully in the moment. This was and is indeed pleasure. That I felt in my cells. My body experiencing waves when I am connected with Source. And so I have my 8 year old self to thank. And I know that should I experience feelings of despair, isolation or fear. I have in my cellular memories the experience of gratitude. And to call that energy and experience back all one needs to do is to say the word ~ gratitude. And feel that vibration from inside to outside. Outside to inside. Everything carrying sound.

♥

Be careful what you wish for ~

~ because you might just be lucky and find it!

On my last Healing Course training day, a fellow student asked the question, or maybe it was a statement ~ "If we do have previous lives, which we are karmically tied to, what is the point of us not remembering them?". This led to a brief discussion followed by another equally heated point that "we choose our parents". Sometimes I have wondered, if we have not lived more than once but we have memories of past lives; then it could be what Carl Jung described as the Collective Unconscious. When we remember past lives, it is not us we are remembering. We are remembering other's lives and in doing so are remembering how we are interconnected. In fact we are somehow tapping into this pool which is not restricted by time and space. It is if you like a living breathing entity where everything exists now. More than a collective memory. An ongoing co-creation. A recording all of our Spirits. Our Creativity. Our Mystery.

On the Shamanic Workshop which I wrote about recently with Patricia WhiteBuffalo. Patricia shared two interlinked teachings. that the Shamanic Realm is accessed via the Heart Chakra and that this Realm lives in the 4th Astral Realm. This Realm is where after dying the dead first pass into before moving on. It is not restricted by time and space. Other Realms, beings and entities exist there. And in this Realm every thought, feeling, action ~ everything/ energy is recorded with a constant link to those experiences in this realm and she referred to the Heart Chakra sometimes called the 'Rainbow Bridge'. The seat of unconditional love. It is a link between the physical and the spiritual parts of ourselves. Interestingly, this mirrors that of a Shaman, whose role is to be the link between the physical and the spiritual. I enjoyed how Patricia moved between the worlds of contemporary western healing model which has included ancient teachings of the Chakra's with the ancient Shamanic.

With trepidation much energy and enthusiasm I embarked on the Soul Retrieval Workshop - now a full seven days after, I am still experiencing reclaiming this part of my Soul and realize how narrow this head is in it's capacity to fully know, understand or predict experiences. And that is what is joyous and wonder full in life. We are constantly discovering and learning. There is so much new to experience. Which brings me back to the question of my fellow student. I think her question also was asking in forgetting our previous lives don't we loose the lessons we learnt? Surely we then have to start over all again? Well, I would suggest that the answer is yes and no. You see I've realised in the journey of the Soul the is answer often does not fit in the box of either/or, black/white. It is much more complex and rich. It includes all the colours of the rainbow. We return to our Heart.

When we reclaim part[s] of ourselves that were split off ~ following shock or trauma. We bring back all those parts of ourselves that were lost. Memories, feelings, senses and experiences learnt. To use an image from the Shaman I heard talk in St. James
( http://eyesbeloved.blogspot.com/2010/05/melting-ice-in-heart-of-man.html ) This process is a thawing of the heart. It is a painful process from numbness to feeling. We grow new hands that are not made of metal but are flesh and bone pumping with blood from the heart. Able to shape. To touch and be touched.

So what is reclaiming? That part which felt unsafe, abandoned, angry and terrified. That part that had unconsciously soaked up feelings and unclaimed fear from my parents. So much hurt, pain, shame and rage. But what is also imporatnt to remember is that along with the negative/challenging experiences we also reclaim other gifts. When I first saw that 8 year old she was so beautiful. So full of joy and exploration. A lightness and fun which I had forgotten. But she had been trapped in cage partly of her own making and partly made by others. The wild locked away safe from others, the environment. The same story on a loop of a wooden splinter driven deep into the flesh. Repeating the same feelings. Same emotions. Shrunk into a little tiny bird with a little voice, a high pitched song hiding a roar spitting black burning nails.

This child was and is incredibly resilient as are so many. And as pointed out to me today, the body not only can spit out thorns but puts a protection around such foreign entities. Isolating them. Limiting the infection and sometimes transmuting them so that they are digested and excreted out. So, there was a part of this child that chose to split off and escape. Hidden protected.

And so I was taken on the journey again. Physically re-enacting the past. My skin erupting around one small central point. Spiritual, Shamanic stuff really is real! There are no divisions between the Realms; between Mind, Body and Spirit. When we work on one layer of our body the others are linked - The Spiritual, Emotional, Mental, Etheric and Physical. And even more than this. Our internal experience is reflected in our external environment. And so it is not a surprise to me that I have had to fight to get out of my flat due to the door becoming too heavy resulting in the handle being torn off. That despite this dilemma I did in fact get into work only for the computer to crash. One more interesting event happened, which is also significant, was that my Altar had become infected by tiny beasties. On washing my reindeer skin I realized I had to remove it totally. It was infested. No longer was it a piece of leather but it was an animal skin being eaten. Nature was reclaiming. In life there is Death. This for me is a Shamanic way of experiencing being alive. Where all is inter-connected and if you are able to be still - you can sense the layers of teachings - of meanings.

So, though logic and our heads might not understand why most people don't remember their past lives there are I am sure very good reasons why. Sometimes we need that distance to protect ourselves from the pain. And when the time is right, when we are not weighted down by expectations or past assumptions, we have the energy and youthful unknowing, when we are in a safer place in our lives; then we can be more open to another perspective to truly learn and Heal. We have the capacity to grow. Expand. Find that space. To be alive. Reach for the Light. Be reminded in mid-winter that there are seeds waiting in the dark. We are able to reclaim and be more alive.

My Body is a Cage ~ Arcade Fire/ Peter Gabriel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeFezGJF7mA&feature=related

Loving the Two Halves

Usually, without growth being forced on us, few of us go willingly on
the spiritual journey. Why would we? The rug has to be pulled out from
beneath our game, so we redefine what balance really is. We eventually
get a feel for true balance when we fall and rise a number of times.

More than anything else, this falling/rising cycle is what moves us into
the second half of our own lives. All falling, no growth! Always on top,
no growth! There is a "necessary suffering" to human life, and if we
avoid its cycles we remain immature forever. It can take the form of
failed relationships, facing our own shadow self, conflicts and
contradictions, disappointments, moral lapses, depression in any number
of forms. All of these have the potential to edge us forward in life, or
dig in our heels even deeper, producing narcissistic and adolescent
responses that everybody can see except ourselves. We either "fall
upward," or we just keep falling.
(Fr. Richard - Loving the two halves of life)

***

Peter Gabriel ~ Downside Up
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2TZyYkohxk

I looked up at the tallest building
Felt it falling down
I could feel my balance shifting
Everything was moving around
These streets so fixed and solid
A shimmering haze
And everything that I relied on disappeared

Downside up, upside down
Take my weight from the ground
Falling deep in the sky
Slipping into the unknown
All the strangers look like family
All the family looks so strange
The only constant I am sure of
Is this accelerating rate of change

Downside up, upside down
Take my weight off the ground
Falling deep in the sky
Slipping into the unknown

I stand here
Watch you spinning
Until I am drawn in
A centripetal force
You pull me in

Pull me in
Pull me in
Pull me in
Pull me in
Pull me in

ovo ovo ovo
ovo ovo ovo
ovo ovo ovo

ovo ovo ovo
ovo ovo ovo
ovo ovo ovo

Downside up
Upside down
Take my weight off the ground
Falling deep in the sky
Slipping into the unknown
***

The Black Sun

Adam McLean via alchemywebsite.com

"We all have the capacity to experience the numinous, that which connects us with transcendent dimensions of reality that are beyond the ego and ordinary states of consciousness. When we are stuck in any arene of life, we can tap into inner realms that may guide us toward change and growth, toward new adaptations that are life serving, even life saving at times. These realms may include experience of the chthonic regions of the alchemists, of all world religions, and of the pagan dieties. And certainly not all contact with the numinous is pleasant or easy. For in contact with the numinous we encounter the opposites as well ~ the heavenly and hellish, the celestial and demonic, inner darkness, and processes of enlightenment. With such experience of the numinous may come activation in the psyche of unique guiding and protecting forces. Then we have the chance of discovering a fruitful relationship with psyche and psychoid. As we learn the way of the religious or transcendent function, life's very crises can bring us toward renewal.
Authentic relationship with darkness and unknowing usually brings about a shamanic death (the alchemical nigredo). It is not for the faint~hearted, and it's way beyond the ego's fantasies, attachments, or ideas of grandeur. It includes experiences of 'hell', as well as 'heaven', as we attempt to find optimal relationship with the flame. Jung found that a victory for the Self always included a defeat for the ego, an experience we are sure to have is seeking alchemical renewal.
Relating with this part of the psyche usually means that we must encounter feeling lost, bereft, or simply unable to go on the way we have been living. If we turn toward the psyche and psychoid during these spiritual crisis, we may find honest, humble way to discover this source of renewal. Crisis contains a fire capable of clearing the attitudes that blind us to mysteries, if we will but allow the reality of our inner death to the old ways. The dark night of the soul may then bring us into contact with the inner light that expands our mortal lives through connection with the eternal essence dwelling in each of us.
The need to be in contact with mystery, unknowningness, and darkness is as crucial to the soul's life as any gains in consciousness. What are gains in consciousness worth if we lose our rooting in the chaotic unknown, the erotic wilderness of the psyche that brings renewal of consciousness in the first place? Without experiential roots in the wilderness of psyche, we lose connection with the original living spirit that is the healer, the uniter of opposites of which Jung and the alchemists spoke."
Pregnant Darkness ~ Alchemy and the Rebirth of Consciousness by Monika Wikman. p xix~xx