Picture by Lynzi Wildheart
*

"those who took neither side

when Lucifer and the Trinity

fought ~

those angels,

noble and worthy,

who were compelled to descend to earth

to this same stone"

The Grail Legend ~ The Grail as Stone. p 150. E.Jung & M-L Von Franz

Be careful what you wish for ~

~ because you might just be lucky and find it!

On my last Healing Course training day, a fellow student asked the question, or maybe it was a statement ~ "If we do have previous lives, which we are karmically tied to, what is the point of us not remembering them?". This led to a brief discussion followed by another equally heated point that "we choose our parents". Sometimes I have wondered, if we have not lived more than once but we have memories of past lives; then it could be what Carl Jung described as the Collective Unconscious. When we remember past lives, it is not us we are remembering. We are remembering other's lives and in doing so are remembering how we are interconnected. In fact we are somehow tapping into this pool which is not restricted by time and space. It is if you like a living breathing entity where everything exists now. More than a collective memory. An ongoing co-creation. A recording all of our Spirits. Our Creativity. Our Mystery.

On the Shamanic Workshop which I wrote about recently with Patricia WhiteBuffalo. Patricia shared two interlinked teachings. that the Shamanic Realm is accessed via the Heart Chakra and that this Realm lives in the 4th Astral Realm. This Realm is where after dying the dead first pass into before moving on. It is not restricted by time and space. Other Realms, beings and entities exist there. And in this Realm every thought, feeling, action ~ everything/ energy is recorded with a constant link to those experiences in this realm and she referred to the Heart Chakra sometimes called the 'Rainbow Bridge'. The seat of unconditional love. It is a link between the physical and the spiritual parts of ourselves. Interestingly, this mirrors that of a Shaman, whose role is to be the link between the physical and the spiritual. I enjoyed how Patricia moved between the worlds of contemporary western healing model which has included ancient teachings of the Chakra's with the ancient Shamanic.

With trepidation much energy and enthusiasm I embarked on the Soul Retrieval Workshop - now a full seven days after, I am still experiencing reclaiming this part of my Soul and realize how narrow this head is in it's capacity to fully know, understand or predict experiences. And that is what is joyous and wonder full in life. We are constantly discovering and learning. There is so much new to experience. Which brings me back to the question of my fellow student. I think her question also was asking in forgetting our previous lives don't we loose the lessons we learnt? Surely we then have to start over all again? Well, I would suggest that the answer is yes and no. You see I've realised in the journey of the Soul the is answer often does not fit in the box of either/or, black/white. It is much more complex and rich. It includes all the colours of the rainbow. We return to our Heart.

When we reclaim part[s] of ourselves that were split off ~ following shock or trauma. We bring back all those parts of ourselves that were lost. Memories, feelings, senses and experiences learnt. To use an image from the Shaman I heard talk in St. James
( http://eyesbeloved.blogspot.com/2010/05/melting-ice-in-heart-of-man.html ) This process is a thawing of the heart. It is a painful process from numbness to feeling. We grow new hands that are not made of metal but are flesh and bone pumping with blood from the heart. Able to shape. To touch and be touched.

So what is reclaiming? That part which felt unsafe, abandoned, angry and terrified. That part that had unconsciously soaked up feelings and unclaimed fear from my parents. So much hurt, pain, shame and rage. But what is also imporatnt to remember is that along with the negative/challenging experiences we also reclaim other gifts. When I first saw that 8 year old she was so beautiful. So full of joy and exploration. A lightness and fun which I had forgotten. But she had been trapped in cage partly of her own making and partly made by others. The wild locked away safe from others, the environment. The same story on a loop of a wooden splinter driven deep into the flesh. Repeating the same feelings. Same emotions. Shrunk into a little tiny bird with a little voice, a high pitched song hiding a roar spitting black burning nails.

This child was and is incredibly resilient as are so many. And as pointed out to me today, the body not only can spit out thorns but puts a protection around such foreign entities. Isolating them. Limiting the infection and sometimes transmuting them so that they are digested and excreted out. So, there was a part of this child that chose to split off and escape. Hidden protected.

And so I was taken on the journey again. Physically re-enacting the past. My skin erupting around one small central point. Spiritual, Shamanic stuff really is real! There are no divisions between the Realms; between Mind, Body and Spirit. When we work on one layer of our body the others are linked - The Spiritual, Emotional, Mental, Etheric and Physical. And even more than this. Our internal experience is reflected in our external environment. And so it is not a surprise to me that I have had to fight to get out of my flat due to the door becoming too heavy resulting in the handle being torn off. That despite this dilemma I did in fact get into work only for the computer to crash. One more interesting event happened, which is also significant, was that my Altar had become infected by tiny beasties. On washing my reindeer skin I realized I had to remove it totally. It was infested. No longer was it a piece of leather but it was an animal skin being eaten. Nature was reclaiming. In life there is Death. This for me is a Shamanic way of experiencing being alive. Where all is inter-connected and if you are able to be still - you can sense the layers of teachings - of meanings.

So, though logic and our heads might not understand why most people don't remember their past lives there are I am sure very good reasons why. Sometimes we need that distance to protect ourselves from the pain. And when the time is right, when we are not weighted down by expectations or past assumptions, we have the energy and youthful unknowing, when we are in a safer place in our lives; then we can be more open to another perspective to truly learn and Heal. We have the capacity to grow. Expand. Find that space. To be alive. Reach for the Light. Be reminded in mid-winter that there are seeds waiting in the dark. We are able to reclaim and be more alive.

Home is where the Heart is

"One of the following is true:

• Every breath you take contains an atom breathed out by Marilyn Monroe


• There is a liquid that can run uphill


• You age faster at the top of a building than at the bottom


• An atom can be in many different places at once, the equivalent of you being in New York and London at the same time


• The entire human race would fit in the volume of a sugar cub


• One per cent of the static on a television tuned between stations is the relic of the Big Bang


• Time travel is not forbidden by the laws of physics


• A cup of coffee weighs more when it is hot than when it is cold


• The faster you travel, the slimmer you get.

No, I'm joking. They are all true!" ( 'Quantum Theory Cannot Hurt You' by M. Chown)

Since Friday my attention has been drawn to the same question/dilemma from 3 different sources. First was on Friday http://www.diaryofapsychichealer.com/ and the question whether mythical beings were real. Second was on a Shamanic workshop last Saturday where one attendee was caught in the struggle around questioning whether his experiences were just his imaginings and lastly was today on the blog http://greenmanramblings.blogspot.com/ where the post introduced the experience/idea of being able to commune/communicate and have intimate relationships with plants. So what is real?

I have walked along various disciplines and paths. Some paths I have skipped along. Some I have ventured on briefly, others I return to again and again. These paths have included various disciplines within the vast umbrella of Buddhism, Shamanism, Paganism, Anthropology, Psychology, Psychic studies, New Age, Feminism and Radical Politics. I have found that having this range of explorations creates its own momentum of being open and curious. Discovering new ideas and experiences and finding old ones refreshed and vitalised. The negative is that I can struggle in trying to find parallel contexts and interpretations when visiting these different worlds. The danger or challenge can lead to being misunderstood and at worse marginalised.

If for instance I have an experience under the 'Shamanic' umbrella and I try to share my experience within a Psychological context or Psychic context; there is not necessarily an equivalent experience within those worlds. Even if the experience might be known in the different worlds there is not a shared understanding or language. Not only can this be rather frustrating for both parties but this has created confusion and conflict within myself. Because if certain experiences are misunderstood or marginalisation this can lead to denial of the experience. This is a loss. Loss of the self and the soul's voice. This can even occur with those of non malicious intent. Because we are all conditioned by the environment ~ our families and our societies into belief structures and behaviours. We take them on consciously and unconsciously.

During this weekend I heard from a woman from Native American and European descent ~ Patricia White Buffalo ~ sharing her perspective on prejudice and persecution. She said the persecution of the Native Americans from the White Europeans was foremost about Land ownership. While for the White Europeans on White Europeans ~ Christians persecution of Pagans ~ it was about occupation of our souls ~ beliefs. For this reason White Europeans have more fear around Shamanism. We have more fear buried in our bodies about being in our bodies and are disconnected to the land and Spirit. 

So this led me to ponder....If you have never known the experience of being in your body grounded and connected, then can you know what you are seeking? I think yes. But it can take time to get to that place of peace. Without being truly present, in one's body, connected to the earth then one is not able to connect with Spirit. One is homeless and isolated. Like a tree the further the roots go down the further the branches reach up.

Not only are we battling against the weight of societies historical oppression, but many of us have and are battling with traumas in childhood. And this is not surprising as both are interlinked for violence whether in the home our outside are reflections of each other. This cocktail blocks our senses. The body shuts down partially or totally some or many senses of smell, taste, hearing, sight and touch. We learn to filter out experience like annoying sounds. They become background noise. Such as the sound of a barking deer in the night which would be an annoyance because we would be kept awake and tired for work. Or like when we discuss law suites with our neighbours because they cut the fence down when it was on their right side not their left. Both sides ignoring the plight of the nesting birds.

So many of us are only partially experiencing and are not fully present then the questions of whether stones feel, do plants have souls, are there faeries at the bottom of the garden, are Unicorns made up fantasies, or do trees sing become ridiculous. Childhood tales. But, what if these experiences were not metaphors, collective unconscious beliefs or superstitions? How can we know the answer when we do not have the understanding, the language and are weighed down by beliefs, and fears of oppression which we carry in our cells and memories? The dilemma and the solution is that this numbness not only protects us from feeling the pain from our own personal and collective histories but also our pleasures, joys and gifts. And solution is found through the gentle breath of compassion, love and trust soflty fanning the flame buried deep in the secret chamber of the heart. I believe this flame is always there. Can never be put out.

Where does magic and science begin and start? How many people does it take for shared experiences to become real and not mass shared hallucinations? We believe there are energy waves that carry information which we don't hear. Because we all turn on our radios and outcomes sounds which we all verify as the same. That's not magic but science. Could it not be both magical and science? Could not our imaginings also be reality? Where are the lines between thought, meaningful stare and words spoken?........

1. Quantum Theory Cannot Hurt You. A Guide to the Universe. By Marcus Chown.

2. Patricia White Buffalo. BeHeavenOnEarth.com

Awaken to Life

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait." Paulo Coelho Facebook
***

“Why has our society morphed into a society of addicts? You may balk at that question, thinking, “I’m not an addict,” but if that is your response, then you need to redefine your understanding of what qualifies as an addiction. In addition to substances, addictions include attitudes and actions. Addictions are, in effect, a choice to remain unconscious in an age rapidly moving toward a new paradigm of consciousness.
So, what makes us naturally inclined toward addictions? Whether alcohol, drugs, sex, technology, Internet communication/emails, gossiping, power, cruelty, exercise, or food, the fact is we are by nature addicts. We are always seeking some way, some method, some means through which we can escape our ordinary state of consciousness, if only for thirty minutes of distraction or a temporary physical buzz brought on by a glass of wine or a candy bar no one sees us eat, or drugs that make us feel good. We can’t stop ourselves – and that is a fact.
Addiction is a stage of consciousness that every single human being progresses through"
Caroline Myss http://myss.com/news/archive/2011/081711.htm

***
“Whether we realize it or not, we are all dreaming the world into being. What we're engaging in is not the sleeping act we're so familiar with, but rather a type of dreaming we do with our eyes open. When we're unaware that we share the power to co-create reality with the universe itself, that power slips away from us, causing our dream to become a nightmare. We begin to feel we're the victims of an unknown and frightening creation that we're unable to influence, and events seem to control and trap us. That only way to end this dreadful reality is to awaken to the fact that it too is a dream - and then recognize our ability to write a better story, one that the universe will work with us to manifest" Alberto Villoldo

***
"In The Conference of the Birds, Persian poet Farid Din Attar wrote this about suffering:

If crazy dervishes behave like this
It’s not for you to take their words amiss;
If they seem drunk to you, control your scorn–
Their lives are painful, savage, and forlorn;
They must endure a lifetime’s hopelessness
And every moment brings some new distress–
Don’t meddle with their conduct, don’t reprove
Those given up to madness and to love.
You would excuse them–nothing is more sure–
If you could share the darkness they endure.

Those of us who work at spiritual and psychological growth will encounter great darkness along the way. It is no coincidence that one of the first archetypes one meets in the individuation process is the Shadow Archetype. All that we’d hidden from ourselves, all that we shove down and away, all that we project on others and hate in them–that’s what we find in the darkness. It can be overwhelming. A person in the phase of personal work can become overwhelmed and lose heart, just as a person encountering grief, sorrow, stress, and other dark experiences can lose heart without hope or encouragement.
Hope is knowing that the moon will return, and even its most feeble light will illuminate the world. "
From the Darkness ~ The Third Eve Blog ~ https://eve3.wordpress.com/
***
"Authentic relationship with darkness and unknowing usually brings about a shamanic death (the alchemical nigredo). It is not for the faint~ hearted, and it's way beyond the ego's fantasies, attachments, or ideas of grandeur. It includes experiences of 'hell', as well as 'heaven', as we attempt to find optimal relationship with the flame. Jung found that a victory for the Self always included a defeat for the ego, an experience we are sure to have is seeking alchemical renewal." Monika Wikman ~ Pregnant Darkness.

***
There would have been a further inclusion to this post from Carolyn Myss talk on Spiritual Madness if I could summarise her talk which of course I can not! She spoke of the challenging times we are living in which the Mystical path that was once for the few ~ who separated themselves from ordinary way of life ~ has now evolved to being experienced by the many who do not separate themselves from ordinary living. We are evolving fast. Carolyn Myss speaks of the necessity for the Dark Night of the Soul as we strive to integrate a strong psychological Self with the Spiritual Oneness; which is about letting go of the individualism and ego materialistic drivers. She suggests that in today's Western Society Spiritualism has even become a commodity. Where the idea of reaching our Spiritual enlightenment can be dictated by our egos. We bargain with God expecting rewards on our terms, for our efforts.

Carolyn Myss highlights how much of a challenge it is to be on the mystical path while bringing up families and working to earn a living, instead of living in an ashram or retreat. For, when we ask the Divine to speak to us we invite Chaos. We ask for those props/addictions we use to escape from our Soul and Life, to be rattled. We then find those systems of thought and habit no longer work. So we look outside and where are our answers? We must look inside; into the darkness and the unknown for 'The light at the end of the tunnel'. However, there is one myth that needs to be dismissed. There is not just the one Dark Night of the Soul that we must journey.

When I listened to her talk I reflected on how this mystical experience is not just being experienced by individuals on their own but due to living life with others; their journeys are being felt by those around them. The affect is rippling inwardly and outwardly. Those of us on spiritual paths are coming together to validate, learn remember and connect. I am experiencing how we are re-learning to share this journey with ourselves and each other. Integral to this is not just remembering a spiritual language but creating a new way of experience and co-creating. This co-creating is deeply healing. Is becoming and being more conscious and alive. Speaking from our Soul. Soul Speak.

The above quotes I have chosen as they speak to me at this point of my journey at a time where I am questioning how, why, and/or when I speak. There are times images and/or sound can fulfil experience more than words. Though we/many may speak the same language, at the same time and place in history. We can be deceived into thinking that we understand ourselves and each other fully, not just from a mind space but also body and soul. I think one of my primary senses is visual and as such I believe I speak words from a primary visual space, which might differ from another who functions more from another sense or more from a mind space.

When the Soul speaks it is in deeper language that though rarer is accessible; and if one has the courage to release control ~ can fully experience. Poetry for me can be a medium that though is of word, is magical because it is many bridges between the Mind~Body~Soul between the unconscious and conscious. It has been described as food for the Soul. It creeps/crawls/walks/runs/skips on the edge. It does not just speak or even shout ~ it Sings.

At such times when a person is in transition. Between stations unsure of the destination, country or landscape. I speak both in the physical and metaphysical. Soul Speak not only describes but also co-creates. Soul is a tear drop from Spirit. Our journey/the track we are on is not just a to b. Many of us are aware of this when we experience Déjà vu; an opening in our consciousness of an awareness that we have been here before. This is different to that of premonition which predicts the future. Déjà vu is a meeting of time and worlds at that moment.

The journey of the Soul is not a clear staged journey from Earth below to Heaven above. To be followed by a guide book as we tread well-worn steps up the mountain with clearly marked stages and stations, with refreshments and signed lovely views. The journey of the Soul asks us to fully awaken to Life. To dance with muddied feet so dead skin is peeled away to reveal tender bark. True Soul is experienced through a greening of nature, a returning to Source. The Well of Life that lies behind dark walls of the hidden garden. There is a door to this garden but the Key. The Key is our Heart.

Along the way there are guides. Some share riddles. Some will lead us into traps. Some will share gifts to aid us along our way. All are Spirit sent. Even the devils. As the saying goes "Our worst teachers are our best teachers". There is another way to walk other than the even bland world, with muted dulled senses where we inhabit the Masks of Safety. Behind which our demons cry out, even though they kept saying yes this is the right way! You will be OK.

Not fully Awakened to Life. We travel a smooth road that is never dark. So eager to have our way shown. Lightened up. Safe. We wipe out the Stars our birth place. Not fully open to mystery. A life shallow limited to surprises. We dare not swim in waters that are deep, afraid of beings we can't quite make out let alone understand. I would therefore ask people to put away their mobile tracking phone maps, when walking in the countryside. Don't do it! Take a paper map if you must. Allow your inner Divine child to discover and adventure. Trust. Drink in that wonder, joy and delight. Be intoxicated but not drunk and not addicted; but fully Awakened to Life. Laugh with gurgling wonder and hiccup.
***

Cardiomorpheos

Francisci Ponae ~ Cardiomorpheos ~ 1645

http://www.archive.org/stream/francisciponaeca00pona#page/n3/mode/2up

http://openlibrary.org/about

His body iron me cold ~ skin to wall
swollowing his cigarette ash whisky gin

above his engine noise ~ city seagull calling the sea
I remember I once had wings

and then I fly
my heart broken open

blood on the floor
salt tears for this earth

in deep earthern black heart
purr sweet note in the silence

Tender and Beautiful Heart

Remember you are Magical. You are Unique.

I am searching for a way to commit to living life. Being alive.
I have the luxury to be able to say this. As I am not struggling to survive.
I want to have the expansive heart to appreciate this life. As Chogyam Trungpa describes; a raw, tender and beautiful heart.
Is it possible not to question every moment as if waiting for an answer, that is either an apology or an enraged rejection. I believe it is.
Can I bare not to question the struggle. Cherish the challenges in life that carve out this twisted shape, hiding secret chambers, each one sounding a unique note.
And so in my job I use the word 'resilance' to parents of children who want more and more and more, of what they are not sure.
Tonight I watched a dramatization of the life and work of Vincent Van Gogh taken from his letters to his brother. It seems to me that he struggled his whole life to feel a deep connection. A validation that made sense of his world. Where his aliveness was not rejected. Where he belonged.
I yearn for a continuity. I yearn for community - as did Vincent. And when community is forgotten I find myself lost within a crowd. And so I treasure my own space where I cut myself off. Running away. Far away from everyone else. From myself.
As I reflect on life being change. Each moment passing. The one life line is Spirit; that pulses in our bloodlines.
When we all die from this life our voices shape the music that creates the vessel this earth. Without this continuity it seems to me that the desolute isolation that Vincent felt, can only increase as we see our disconnection externalized in the loss of our environment.
As more of our wilderness disappears more of our senses dull. And so we rage on and the fires spread deep in the earth, stripping our woodlands bare. We are lost. Paths dissapearing. The earth melting our shoes. Peeling our ashen skin back, to smiling bare shining white bone.
Our nostrils full of smoke. In our desperation to touch earth. Unable to breathe. Unable to sing. We limit our capacity to live. We limit our capacity for empathy.
If there is a Devil this is it. Hopelessness. Addiction. Seperation. Violence. This Devil a shadow puppet hiding a face full of tears. An ocean of tears, where upon floats so many ships, full of lost souls.
Dare we look upon this our Devil?
Rather than being overwhelmed is it possible to deeply feel?
Sensuality. Celebration of life. To be fully awake deeply sense the world.
As a child the breeze brushes against soft bare skin, feeling each tiny hair vibrate. Feeling the tempeture rise or fall. Catching smells diverse, rich, dark, light, delicate, raw. Beautiful. Creating space. Connecting time. Connecting memory.

"There is unlimited sound, unlimited sight, unlimited taste, unlimited feeling and so on. The realm of perception is limitless, so limitless that perception itself is primordial, unthinkable, beyond thought."

So this being fully alive is a lack of seperation. And with this I imagine comes a deep awareness of responsibilty. A deep love. Beyond conflict - 'Drala'

"One of the key points in discovering drala principle is realizing that your own wisdom as a human being is not seperate from the power of things as they are. They are both reflections of the unconditioned wisdom of the cosmic mirror. Therefore there is no fundamental seperation or duality between you and your world."

Shambala - The Sacred Path of the Warrior by Chogyam Trungpa.

Insight enables you to know your own heart and clarity enables you to accept without illusion ~ Deepak Chopra

Peace Warrior, Sacred Fool, Wounded Healer

In the past I have labelled myself as not having the capacity to communicate or understand due to being dyslexic. In doing so I deprived myself of the power to speak. For years I limited my vocabulary for fear of mispelling. For fear of being misunderstood or being laughed at. For it is common for those with dyslexia to mix up/exchange similar sounding words. However, I have more recently realized the upside of this blurring, created meanings which I hadn't expected! I then realized that this is a great tool for learning and being creative. So coming from this place of seeing words as an organic evolving process I have been asking ~ Can a Warrior be Peaceful? Can a Fool be Sacred. Can a Healer have wounds?

A friend of mine flagged up this wonderful resource: http://citizensoulpower.com/ following an enquiry we have been having the phrase Peaceful Warrior came up. So I went to the page Spirit Warrior where upon there was a list of all the individuals who made such a difference. People like Gandhi, Martin Luther King. I found myself thinking how an individual has the power to do and make so much positive difference. And I was aware how often I have put people up on pedestals so as to limit my own power and potential. I have said to myself there was something unique about them. They were born special. Or like E.Tolle and others like him awoke to awareness in a flash. What they did was extra-ordinary. They are unique individuals. Not 'like the rest of us'.

However I was also reminded of the occasions that I have dared to step out of my own comfort zone, and respond or act beyond what I or others expected. This has created wonderful experiences and occurrences. Sometimes in ways that I could not have imagined. And sometimes this has come from me daring to do something in advance, and other times has happened in the moment. But at all times I was daring to be open to possibility. Daring to be open. To be alive.

For instance I have on many occasions stepped outside of my front door with the intent to smile at people I do not know. I have not only watched at how often people smile back. But I also watch how often I can dare not to care whether this smile is given back. So it is more about giving than receiving. I was daring to see people not as strangers but as people who are like me. I also noticed that in daring to step out of my comfort zone ~ I was daring myself to seem different in my own eyes or others. Daring to be seem silly or foolish. I was inviting the Sacred Fool. Who is in fact courageous.

So for me being a Peaceful Warriors has strong links with the archetype of the Sacred Fool. The Fool who can speak the unspeakable. Who reveals hidden truths. Hidden Treasure. Who reveals wisdom through laughter and joy. The Fool who dares to be different. Dances on the edge. Dances in chaos and creativity. As in the Tarot Card the Fool dares to listen to the dog that nips at his heals and leaps off the edge.

In the Shambhala Buddhist tradition Warrior is referred to as daring to be fully awake. Daring to be open and vulnerable. Connected to our heart. Being authentic is one of the first steps of this process.

As I experience time speeding up. Synchronises abounding. 2012 galloping nearer. With the escalation of world events mirroring the growing awareness for change. I understand this evolutionary shift is an internal and external process. It is circular. We are at a turning point for ourselves and our planet where we need to embrace change. With change comes the possibility for fear; because it is the unknown. But with change also comes the potential for growth, expansion, creativity, healing. All of which gives an opportunity to be in the moment now. And not to wait for another/others to live dreams hopes and aspirations for us. Waiting for the 'perfect time' to be 'more sorted' 'more healed' 'less tired'. In fact all those stories are ways of remaining small. Fear of being vulnerable and alive in the moment.

So maybe this new evolutionary shift where I am hearing it is time for people to evolve into higher vibrations. Maybe another way of looking at this is through another phrase ~ Wounded Healer. Maybe it's not about hierarchy and who will be more evolved than others? For we are all healers. Maybe it's not about having that flash of light, being healed and then going out and doing what we dreamed. But that the flash of light is taking that leap to discover our true selves. Dare to be awkward, nervous, 'get it wrong'. The Fool can seem childlike. S/he understands that growing pains are part of the process. The Fool has an open heart. Is trusting and joyful. This enables her/him to take that leap of faith. While at the same time Accepting where s/he is.

So dare we leap off the edge into the unknown? Be open hearted, be vulnerable and invite the Sacred Fool. Dare we sit with our wounds and in doing so be healed and be healers? Be Wounded Healers. Be Peace Warriors and dare to comit to life.

For to truly comit to life is to celebrate and care with tender open hearts all life ~ in and through Love. To act from a place of Peace. Out of Love protect life. Be life affirming. Be alive. That is courageous. To Be a Peace Warrior.

We are enough as we are. Through allowing our 'minds to drop down to our hearts anything and everything is possible."

Take that leap! Be Courageous. It's Spring!

Be the Change

*

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

a return to love - marianne williamson

I have wanted to understand why there is such acceptance and lack of resistance to what is occurring in our country and around the world.? Even though day by day I am witnessing many who are complaining about the cuts there appears to be an overriding drive not to move beyond the status quo. To look at what created the system and not to just blame the bankers. And in doing so to question the system itself and look at how we as individuals and societies continue to support such a dysfunctional system.

Those with a more spiritual focus have described this system as a game or an illusion or greed. While those from political focus describe this system as capitalism. And those from a psychotherapy focus describe this system as a drama, addiction, or co-dependency. Many from different disciplines describe this as individualism and materialism. Many agree that this system is destroying our planet and killing many lives both human and non human. Many agree that this system if unchecked will devour itself and exhaust the world's resources. I would say this system is an act of violence.

I have been wanting to understand what I experience as numbing to dreams and hopes for a better healthy world. A world where the focus is on creativity, growth, potential and the best outcomes. Where people dare to dream of internal and external freedom. Not one that is resigned to choosing second best. That focuses on the worst outcomes so as not to be disappointed. One which shrinks people down, controls and limits. These acts are violent.

For years I have searched for meaning to understand what perpetuates the cycle of fear and violence that I see in myself and in others. I have dabbled in anthropology, philosophy, politics, feminism, environmentalism and spirituality. I've read many books, met many people, attended various groups, meetings, workshops and trainings. Through my searching, researching, exploring, experiencing and sharing I have come to value the teachings in all these disciplines. And I have met others who also draw on different disciplines so they can act like pieces of a jigsaw.

While I was focusing on my own healing this led me to connecting with like minded souls. For a long period I felt I had found a home within the Reclaiming Community whose aim I understood was to connect many of these jigsaw pieces. This was a place where I could experientially connect these different disciplines with an aim of creating a fulfilling alternative way of living. A place where theory could be tested; a grand experiment!

I took a step away from being actively involved with the Reclaiming Community and I withdrew from my outward search and embarked on a relationship which drew me into re-enacting a generational cycle. My mind had thought I had 'sorted' myself through reading psychotherapy, self-help books, many years of analysis and my involvement in groups and workshops. However I was yet to gain a further deeper understanding at a level which included my body and unconscious. Which allowed space for my soul to explore it's voice and begin to sing.

It was in the relationship that my Soul felt increasingly trapped and caged. My first step was to leave. Then when when I was at a safe distance I was able to embark on a deeper understanding. I began to realize how this negative cycle fed on fear through control. Control was an ever decreasing cage that trapped and squashed me. And the ultimate manifestation of this cycle was violence. I began to listen to myself and understand that my anxiety was a natural response to an unhealthy environment. I started to stop being victim to my emotional state which was being used to re-enforce my lack of self-confidence and self-worth. I had started to thaw my heart and feel my souls natural desire for enjoyment of life. And it is from that space that I was able to explore being with others. Connecting more with and in life. It this space that enabled me to see how the personal is linked with the public.

How we live in our personal lives affects how we live in our public lives. Our capacity/tolerance for personal freedoms affects our capacity/tolerance of public freedoms. Both are interlinked. If the majority of society are struggling to survive; using up all their energy on tiring low paid jobs which only the few are lucky to have or, dysfunctional relationships. Then they are more easily controlled. It works both ways. For our families are also a reflection of our society. Another way of looking at this pattern is noticying how the outside world reflects our inner world. For instance isn't uncanny that when feeling happy with yourself and the world the world smiles back? Literally! But if you are feeling isolated, impatient or angry, then the world mirrors this back through situations and people putting up obstacles.

The cages we place ourselves in are cages around our hearts. And these cages come lined with deluxe furnishings. With the trappings of gold and plasma TVs pumping out 'reality tv shows' or shows on 'make overs' to create perfect human beings with perfect homes. We are fed and feed images to compare ourselves with thus creating envy. We want to live the impossible dream.So we keep our cages comfortable, full of desirable material things to keep ourselves occupied. An illusion of security. These cages fed by addiction is what Capatilism thrives and relies on. Hence the frequent remark in response to percieved negative feelings, overwhelming emotions or situations ~ 'I am off for a bit of shopping therapy' or 'I could murder for a pint'. Until we look at the drivers behind addiction, we will not stop the bankers earning huge bonuses or people craving more and more money through credit. And society will not own up to the fact that alcohol is a drug which is the cause of so much violence. Because the terrible truth is that so many in society are addicted to violence. So many in society are not aware what is violent.

In "Freedom for Sale ~ How we made money and lost our liberty" John Kampfner refers to private and public freedoms which I think has parallels to what I have referred to as personal and public freedom. He divides his book into different countries including Britain. Under Britain: Surveillance State, John Kampfner first quotes Brendan O'Neill " Britain used to export textiles, iron, steel and pop music; now it exports Orwellian methods for monitoring the masses".

"By the time Blair left office in 2007, he had bequeathed to his successor a surveillance state unrivalled anywhere in the democratic world. Parliament passed forty-five criminal justice laws ~ more than the total for the whole of the previous century ~ creating more than three thousand new criminal offences...The scope was extensive: police and security forces were given greater powers of arrest and detention; all institutions of state were granted increased rights to snoop; individuals were required to hand over unprecedented forms of data. Abroad, the government colluded with the transport of terrorist suspects by the US government to secret prisons around the world, giving landing rights at British airports for these so-called "rendition" flights. At home, new crimes were created, such as glorifying terrorism or inciting religious hatred"

So the message is clear. Remain in terror. There is an increasing threat of criminal behaviour. Of terrorism. The cage is just a barrier to keep the dangerous out. Them and Us. And because the enemy is within we have surveillance. Depending on the society and culture cages come in all shapes and sizes. In his book John Kampfner shares his investigations into the different countries of Singapore, China, Russia, United Arab Emirates, India, Italy, Britain and USA. He suggests that there is a world wide pattern. He says:

"The specific rules varied between countries, but the template was similar. Repression was selective, confined to those who openly challenged the status quo. The number of people who fell into that category was actually very few ~ journalists who criticised the state or published information that cast the powerful in a negative light; lawyers who defended these agitators; and politicians and others who publicly went out of their way to "cause trouble". The rest of the population could enjoy freedom to travel, to live more or less as they wished and to make and spend their money. This was the difference between public freedoms and private, or privatised, freedoms. For many people this presented an attractive proposition. After all, how many members of public, going about their daily lives, wish to challenge the structures of power? One can more easily than one realises be lulled into thinking that one is sufficiently free.

This is the pact. In each country it varies; citizens hand over different freedoms in accordance with their own customs and priorities. In some it is press freedom; in some it is the right to vote out their government; in some it is an impartial judiciary; in others it is the ability to get on with their lives without being spied upon. In many it is a combination of these and more.
"In the global order of the past two decades, the alliance of political leaders, business and the middle classes was the key. The arrangement was built on a clear, but usually discreet set of understandings. What mattered in all these societies was that the number of people who benefited from this deal gradually increased, and that the state remained flexible enough to meet their various needs. These needs could be summarised as: property rights, contract law, environmental protection, lifestyle choices, the right to travel, and the right to earn money ~ and keep it. the people who mattered ~ the wealthy and the aspiring wealthy ~ were to be protected against the use of arbitrary state power. But could such protection be provided without the tools of conventional democracy, such as free elections and open media? That was the conundrum that authoritarian capitalists faced"

This book was written prior UK coalition government's right wing radical changes which are sweeping UK under the banner of necessary cuts. And the more recent events in the middle east. The middle east uprisings have created a wave of hope not just in the middle east but across the globe. On the wave has lept British PM David Cameron through publicly travelling middle eastern countries speaking of democracy and freedom at the same time ensuring future investment in arms. Ofcourse he has to utter both in the same breath. And I think what is so disturbing is he believes in what he does and says. The swift timely eager response of his tour for me betrays his anxiety to ensure the continued arms trade; in order to keep the status quo in tact. And of course there is big money to be made. But what would happen if more and more people began to believe that there was not this ever present and increasing threat? That started to question the morality of the arms trade. No longer being 'lulled into believing they were sufficiently free', began to believe in more liberated ways of living? Maybe then revolution might even occur on our own doorsteps here in UK and other countries. This is what unfortunately David Cameron and many others fear. With change comes the potential of fear. But I would also add that with change come the potential for excitement.

In "Peace is the Way, Bringing war and violence to an end" by Deepak Chopra refers to three major components to the ultimate myth of security ~ the ultimate manifestation of violence and control; the arms build up:
Money brings happiness
Technology brings well-being
Military strength brings security

This holy trinity of capitalism is the ultimate cage. The ultimate trap that does not make us safer. Living outside of the cage is safer. I believe that peaceful change is a stronger power. Because it is life affirming. I hear that many in the peaceful uprising in Egypt were inspired by the works of Gene Sharp who speaks of peaceful ways of liberation. It was not as the media have promoted the power of technology such as Internet and mobile phones that was key to the revolution but the message of peace. So when other regimes try to stop peaceful liberation through blocking Internet and mobiles they will in the end fail.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama said; "'If we want to change the world, we have to begin by changing ourselves".

The veil between humans and nature, between private and public, between mind and matter, between thought and action, between being and doing is an illusion. There is a third way which can also be described as multi-disciplinary or holistic. That moves away from a dualistic/conflictual/advisory mind set. Creating an expansive space. Moves away from the rigid and brittle. To the flexible and changeable. Opening up up new possibilities. This is the creative spark which is Divine. That is light and Dark. It is Consciousness. It is Infinite. It is.

As Gandhi said:"Can you be the change that you wish to see in the world?"

So I take courage and inspiration from those who are able to connect with peaceful liberation. Whether that is on a mass scale as in Egypt or on a personal scale. Both are the change that can be seen in the world. And there by changes the world. Which reminds me of the chant that is so often used at Reclaiming gatherings:

"She changes everything she touches and touches everything she changes!" Blessed Be!

***

References:

Britain can push democracy or weapons but not both. By Simon Jenkins. http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2011/feb/22/britain-push-democracy-weapons-cameron

UK arms sales to the Middle east, who do we sell to, how much is military and how much just 'controlled'?.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/news/datablog/2011/feb/22/uk-arms-sales-middle-east-north-africa?intcmp=239

Gene Sharp Web page Albert Einstein Institution
http://www.aeinstein.org/

Freedom for Sale: How we made mondey and lost our liberty. By John Kampfner.

Peace is the Way: Bringing War and violence to an end. By Deepak Chopra.

Reclaiming Web page
http://www.reclaiming.org/

Finding Treasure where you Least Expect

I wish in future I can cherish each moment in the moment. In doing so I will be able to fully experience. I will not be living out of regret.

How often when something or someone seems so vibrant so strong they can be suddenly be gone. I can find it hard to believe that all is transient. Not to focus on the Loss but instead focus on all that I have experienced. To celebrate and enjoy.

What set this particular train of feeling and thought in motion, was that my local charity shop has had it's management change hands. And the manager was incredibly significant. He was in the tradition of British Eccentric. Wealthy and with that came an ease of behaving. He was I think a member of another wonderful tradition of artists. Incredible intense. Incredibly creative. And at times deliciously non PC! With a gift of story telling so that in every telling the story became more dramatic. I was never sure of what was 'the reality' which was rather liberating and refreshing!

In his shop all and everyone was welcome and included. I had the experience that it was a place where if people dared they could be what they wished. They could try on a role or costume. On one momentous day I met a Transsexual who literally spent the day trying on women's clothes asking advice from Stephan the Manager, me and Adam Ant who ran into the shop seeking refuge from his nightmares. On that same day I was helping out behind the counter as the young lady who usually helped out, took exception to Adam and walked out. Shortly after a woman came in and ended up getting a psychic reading from Hazel the resident witch; otherwise known as Elizabeth or Silver Fox. Due to having her dog stolen.

That day was like a Reclaiming 7 day WitchCamp intensive ~ compressed into 1 day. And it took me quite sometime to recover from such a high intensity of experience! For Stephan ~ well this was not quite his average day but I imagine not that extraordinary.

He created a community. On entering the shop he would introduce everyone to that person. And whatever name he chose was your name! Over the years the shop got fuller and fuller with more donations, more people and the walls covered with pictures, photos, poems and mementos. And the shop displays were wonderful. People's discarded 'junk' could be transformed into a rich diverse delicious display. It was a treasure trove. It was a place where he was the Grand Master the Warlock as he loved to declare. And the funny thing is, even though I had the sneaking suspicion he thought he wasn't. He was in fact a Mage! Because for me he did transform. He did create a space where so much more was possible. An Alchemist in your local shop. How subversive is that!

I have known him for over 10 years ~ during which he has moved from charity shop to charity shop within this vicinity. This last 5 years he spent at my local charity shop. He gave me so much. And he would say time and time again how much I gave him.

However he moved on without me having a chance to say goodbye or to find out where he is going next. And for me it was a shock. I knew something was up coos the shop had been closed 'for refurbishment' for ages. Today I had a free Saturday and went in. It had been stripped bare. With a rather nervy new manager behind the counter. With only 2 customers. And the walls a bland white with only a few items clearly priced. Not to be enjoyed and/or to be part of creating an experience of sharing and community. Just things to be sold on in an ordinary shop. A place of transience. Of things people have discarded. Not a place for the ordinary to be extraordinary.

For me the timing in which I saw this charity shop ~ now an empty space ~ comes at a time when I am experiencing the UK government speaking of 'Big Society'. While at the same time wanting to sell of forests and get rid of Public Libraries. Wanting to strip away so much richness, so much diversity, so much creativity. Was to say the least sad.

So this is a big thank you to Stephan which I imagine is one of many names. I wish you safe travels, happiness and peace. What you created is in my heart. And because your vision was shared, this can be re-created by many because you shared so much.

Grail

Dare to feel. Dare to Care.

"Placing the blame or judgment on someone else leaves you powerless to change your experience. Taking responsability for your beliefs and judgments gives you the power to change them" ~ Byron Katie

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t5fOvcta3Ws&feature=related ~ Peter Gabriel 'Digging in the Dirt'.

When in discussions on peaceful ways to responding to violence I have found this question is often posed: "What would you do if a person had a gun and was going to threaten to kill someone?". And the people asking this sometimes go on to add ~ "Because you do not want to harm them; would a peaceful response mean just standing by and not intervening? Would you stand by and let them kill others?" Not surprisingly I have found myself struggling to respond.

I have heard a a range of answers. One which I have found very moving is that a peaceful person would stand in front the person with the gun. They would risk their own lives to protect others. Selflessly. That it is the vacancy of fear that breaks the cycle of violence. And on hearing this I have pondered whether I could do such a thing, whether I could act not out of fear. And to be honest my answer has been that I am not confident that I could.

Then I remembered a time when I saw two young men deep in a very bloody fight. I went straight up to them and split both of them a part. They stopped. I didn't shout. I felt no fear. Just a desire for them to stop hurting each other. I was with another who when we left the two young men was enraged with me for intervening. He had watched on in fear for himself and me. He said to me what if one of them had turned on you with a knife? Or had a gun? He said I was stupid because I did not think of my own safety or his. I responded that I wanted them to know that someone cared. That it was not OK. That I did not want them to hurt. I remember feeling this very strongly.

I also remember many a time when I was a child where my father would be submerged in a mad rage. And I use the word mad as I now consider he had lost his self and sanity. Such was his level of madness he had at one time almost killed my mother. And if I think if he had a gun when he 'lost it' what then? If someone had stepped in would love and compassion have touched his true self through the madness?

Back to the question. This pondering then led me to ask why were people so frequently posing this question. I began to realize that this question kept me in a mental bind/dead end, that saw the violent act in isolation. Could this question, this moral dilemma be in fact a trap which would not help in finding responses to violence? In fact in order to respond to violence and create peaceful loving living maybe what is needed is a different approach. And this could lead to different questions being asked. Could the question itself actually be part of the problem of how violence is seen?

Growing up in a violent family I have only recently began to appreciate how this has given me much insight, with regards to violence. This journey continues and so far has taken over 20 years of searching to understand. And I am sure I have more to learn, more healing will occur and with that further understanding. Key to this learning and discovery is how the violent act follows after a range of non physical violent behaviours. This abuse can come in the form of emotional, psychological and mental communications. The hit is like a confirmation of all that has been before. The violent physical act is like a locking of a door. And it's key is control carved out of fear.

The other main insight I learnt was that after I had become a victim of an abusive relationship was that I had internalised the oppressor/aggressor as well as the victim. Some describe this as a Shadow part. And that this Shadow had two faces both the oppressor and aggressor. Which like a cloaked figure whispers words; giving a warped view on the world. I also realized ~ How else could I have accepted someone else treating me like this if I had not this Shadow inside?. If I had not normalized violence. The healing for me was to see this cycle of violence. To see that I could step outside of the violence. I had choice. I had power.

I think we need to see physical violence as a symptom and not cause. If we do then I think we begin to see that violence is not just a physical act, but in fact part of a much more complex problem which we all can be locked into. Because we are all connected. And because we are all connected then we all have power to create positive change. Physical violence comes after a long history of behaviours which can be as subtle as a thought expressed in word or even a look. It is generational in families and in societies. If we see that violence is not an isolated act done by evil individuals, then we can also see the connections that led to the violence. We there by step out of blame and into sharing responsibility. This is an empowered place to be. A place of believing and knowing that we all can have a positive impact.

Violence is normalized and accepted in our society. Children are taught this at home and in school. The highs of the emotional intensity that we see daily in our press, on the TV, in our films is an addiction covering up pain, loss and isolation. It is deeply dysfunctional that violence is romanticised through endless disaster movies and violent computer games. So many have a need to forget they have a disconnection to true self, that is expressed through the numbing of pain that is created by and creates violence. It can be a vicious cycle.

So when we are given moral dilemmas like this question, I would suggest stepping back and asking why this question is being asked. What might be the hidden agendas? That in fact there is another way in responding which adds to further understanding. That address the causes. Enabling more ways to heal. More ways to step in earlier. More ways to prevent the violence because we will be more equipped to respond, having addressed potential wounds in ourselves and in our own relationships and ultimately in our societies. We can see how all of us can have an affect by sharing ownership and responsibility. We can step outside the duality of them and us. How though it might seem fear has the upper hand ~ healing is possible. We then will be more empowered ourselves and able to support one another, in being in a place of compassion. Out of Love.

Yes it can be painful thawing the ice. But unless we thaw our hearts not only will we not feel the pain inflicted on ourselves and other humans, but also our beautiful nature and planet.

After I had split the two young men up, I heard that they later on went back and started fighting again. This was when I was out of their view. So I leave with this thought what do I choose to focus on. That they continued with their violence or that for that moment they stopped. That they saw that some one cared?

I believe that we create life how we want it. So I believe in the power of love. I believe it is never impossible. I believe it is never too late.

So mote it be.

A link to Gene Sharp whose work has been so influential as has been read by activists in Egypt. The Albert Einstein Institution.
http://www.aeinstein.org/

and a wonderful book:
"Small Acts of Resistance. How Courage, Tenacity, and Ingenuity Can Change the World." Steve Crawshaw & John Jackson.

Tenderness

"If you search for awakened heart, if you put your hand through your rib cage and feel for it, there is nothing there except for tenderness. You feel sore and soft, and if you open your eyes to the rest of the world, you feel tremendous sadness. This kind of sadness doesn't come from being mistreated. You don't feel sad because someone has insulted you or you feel impoverished. Rather, this experience of sadness is unconditioned. It occurs because your heart is completely exposed. There is no skin or tissue covering it; it is pure raw meat. Even if a tiny mosquito lands on it, you feel so touched. Your experience is raw and tender and so personal.
The genuine heart of sadness comes from feeling that your nonexistent heart is full. You would like to spill your heart's blood, give your heart to others. For the warrior, this experience of sad and tender heart is what gives birth to fearlessness. Conventionally, being fearless means that you are not afriad or that, if someone hits you, you will hit him back. However, we are not talking about that street-fighter level of fearlessness. Real fearlessness is the product of tenderness. It comes from letting the world tickle your heart, your raw and beautiful heart"

Shambhala ~ The Sacred Path of the Warrior by Chogyam Trungpa, p45-46
http://www.shambhala.org/

Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability | Video on TED.com

"They believed what made them vulnerable made them beautiful"

"Our lives are a collection of stories, truths about who we are, what we believe, where we come from, how we can let go of what people think, and own our story, we gain access to our worthiness ~ the feeling that we are enough just as we are, and that we are worthy of love and belonging" Dr Brene Brown ~ 'The Hustle for Worthiness' DVD

Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability Video on TED.com

http://www.brenebrown.com/welcome

Are you ready to be changed?

http://alunathemovie.com/en/contact.html

http://www.nativespiritfoundation.org/?cat=10

Place to Be

by Kindra Clineff {1}

Where is the Secret Garden in this City, shall I follow the voices of children?

So how much have I chosen this life? How much am I connected to others in this web of weaving. We talk of bloodlines. Of patterns of behaviour and learning being passed down. How much of those patterns are memories in our shared blood. How am I a memory of my ancestors; an imprint of ghosts reliving. And at what point does one life begin and another end. Is my life my own or how much of my life is a shared gift.

In this city lost, with souls rubbing shoulders pretending that they didn't choose this. Pretending not to care.

**

Living in a city I am increasingly seeing children who are not socialized with an inability to communicate and behave within different environments, contexts and people. I am seeing more children emotionally charged and reactive. Unable to be happy with themselves let alone their environment and others. I understand for many Life has been a threat and they are trapped in flight, freeze or run. And for many this learned survival is a lesson hard to re-learn.

Some see but I am not one of them that this as isolated problem with certain families. This is a growing symptom of our country where Margaret Thatcher proclaimed "There is no such thing as society, there are individual men and women and there are families". In this statement where is the desire for community? Where is shared responsibility? Where is shared accountability?

I learnt in my psychotherapy training that it was only possible for a group therapist to keep in mind no more than 10 with comfort or at a stretch some argue a maximum of 15. This led me to pondering on whether there was also a geographical limitation on how much an individual could relate to/keep in mind. And so for me this combination of number of people and space are key to understanding how community is created. So following this train of thought I wondered how in a city or in country I could feel part of a community.

Recently I was listening to a BBC Radio4 debate on ethics where two very similar scenarios were given. First one: a person is given the choice of saving 5 people from a runaway trolley/train or another person who was standing away from the other 5. In order to save the 5 they would need to push a button to redirect that trolley/train and in doing so would kill a person they did not know. In the second scenario the person has to physically push the single person onto the track to save the 5 other people. Apparently when given these two scenarios more people are able to say that would push the button than push the person. This ethical dilemma is called the proximity question. And since hearing this question I have been concerned at the mentality which created such question. This reminds me of the experiments that psychologists did on baby monkeys to see how they survived without a mother ~ either with a soft cuddly toy or not. I had found myself tied in mental knots trying to figure out this ethical dilemma until the light came on and I realized that ~ We are dealing with the wrong questions.

This is a made up scenario. Last week I was in a situation in which I had not chosen to be part of. Where the people who I was with lied to me. They set up the situation partly through the rues of getting me to leave the scene temporarily. And so I was unwittingly implemented as I had come with them. On my return I was witness to police racial/class brutality against two 13 year old girls. I did not know where to turn. How to help the girls. I was frightened for myself too and had no where to run as more and more people came involved. Family and neighbours watched on. The girls were taken away in a police van and I left standing with the family and neighbours. With their mother asking why the police had been violent to her daughters.

This quote has been inspirational for me this last week as I struggled with what I felt was my impotence. As I have questioned what more could I have done? What more can I do now other than what I have done including making a formal complaint and talking to others helping their hearts to thaw and feel their hurt and outrage of that incident:

I have come to believe that every one of us is an activist, and that every action taken in the name of interconnection ~ every action that brings us closer to ourselves, to each other, to the planet ~ births a better world.

Marisa Handler {2}

So when I see a person I do not know in pain, do I walk on by because I do not know them?When I hear that the tube train I am on is delayed and diverted because someone had fallen onto the tracks. Do I feel annoyed that I will be delayed by a person whose face I did not see, miles away from where I am? Or can I feel those threads that exist inside and outside of me shake and shiver. Daring to thaw my heart.

When our children rebel and refuse to answer the questions that we set them. Maybe we need to ask ourselves whether we are asking the wrong questions. If they answer in rudeness or anger it is time for us to step back and pause because we might just be asking the wrong questions. And those questions inform actions. Too often people presume and assume to know and understand. Have others speak our answers to our questions ~ the wrong questions.

So I hope to learn answers to questions that I did not know and are beginning to understand.

{1} http://scienceblogs.com/bioephemera/2010/03/spider_spiral.php
{2} http://www.marisahandler.com/home.html

Melting the Ice in the Heart of Man

Last Monday I went to St James Alternatives to hear a talk by an Inuit from the Eskimo-kalaallit people in Greenland. His name is Angaangaq Angakkorsuaq from a family of healers. At 65 he said he has only been an active Shaman for 5 years. After a long time of procrastination his sister said enough indecision it was time for him to take his grandfathers talisman and be a Shaman. A generous open hearted man full of humour, laughter and intimacy.

He shared his concern for the ice melt in Greenland and the unusual temperatures ~ apparently last year they had temperatures up to 35 degrees which made the ice boil. Where upon he went to his grandmother and asked what he could do about the ice melt. Her answer to him was that he needed to go out and help to melt the ice in the hearts of man. He asked her how he could do this. She thought for a little time and answered to go out and help melt the ice in the hearts of man and walked away. So this was what he was doing. He told us that in the 70's it was possible to have stopped the change in the world but now it was not possible. It was inevitable.

Last year I had a calling to go to the Arctic. The calling was from spirit and so shocking ~ for it had to be for me to listen and wake up ~ I awoke in the middle of the night with a cry that I didn't want to die. But in order to wake up from the living dream I needed to answer this call to be born. Which I did. And with that a growing understanding of the vision I had of Death walking beside me as my friend.

I was born to a mother whose heart broken, had been burnt ice cold by electric shock treatment. Her memories buried. As a child my experience of her was of ice. I have for many years described her as frozen. I am not sure I can honestly remember a time where she laughed from deep in her belly, a laughter that ripples out through the heart. Never satisfied she remained locked in a dysfunctional relationship. She died when I was 20 after being diagnosed with cancer when I was 10.

When I answered the call I connected with the loss of my connection of my mother with my struggle to connect with the divine feminine. I felt how those two were interconnected inside me. I also was connecting with how this story was fed down through the family blood ancestors. I am not a mother in the sense I have not had a child. And at 41 I am near the time when that will not be possible. So with that in mind I have been with how I can heal this story handed down through mother and daughter.

My time in the Arctic was more than I could have imagined. I fell in love ~ an experience beyond a focus on a single person. I had the experience of being held. I had the experience of wilderness. And along with that experience I connected with the loss of this connection.
And I then realized ~ My God ~ if I was being gifted with just a fraction of what indigenous people felt all the time?...what could they have felt at others trying to burn this connection? And with that I felt such grief at this loss. Not just theirs ~ which still goes on. But also our collective loss. For even though that loss happened generations ago for my ancestors, that loss is still there. I heard stories of how Shaman's drums were burnt in front of their eyes. Now I understood not just in my mind what this could mean.

So I returned to London with an expeirence of 'coming home' in a land far away. With the growing awareness that I was gifted this experience so that I could feel this loss. I was not meant to run away into the country. My medicine was to be with this loss in the middle of the city. When I was 20 I ran away to the city to be lost. Now I find that I no longer crave to be lost. It is about remembering. And at times that thaw can be painful.

Through the thawing of my heart I can connect with that divine feminine that is part of me ~ as I am woman. That this wilderness is in the heart of us all. And that calling can come with the smell of blossom, a butterfly alighting on your skin or the call of the fox in the night. All this in the middle of this huge metroplis. For it is not possible for thousands of us to go and live in the countryside as it is cities are spreading into vanishing green land. And with that thought I ask how do we reconnect? First we need to remember. First we need to feel the loss. Both are connected. And as I write this I wonder how Angaangaq Angakkorsuaq experiences people/us who have forgotton that connection?

At times I have felt impatient with myself. Why can't I get a move on and heal my personal wounds so that I can get out there and help with this environmental crisis? Then I catch myself. I remind myself that there is not a divide between the personal and the collective. I remind myself of the times I have been in communion with others and feel that healing resonating outwardly and inwardly. That I and others can only start from where we are. That there is a connection with the microscomic and macrocosmic. This world view in which we are isolated beings that are not dependent on others is not real.

So I clean my local area of rubbish. I can't clean the whole of London but I clean the paths where I walk. And even though I feel an urgency not only in my desire akin to a 'Call to arms', I also call for patience and compassion in these accelerated times. For I do believe that as we get nearer to 2012 more of us will feel that thaw.

http://www.icewisdom.com/icewisdom/