The voice of my heart

 Oct 2012

Death is not in the nature of things; it is the nature of things. But what dies is the form. The matter is immortal.  ~ John Fowles

"Heidegger, the twentieth-century German philospher, clarifies this paradox. He preposed two models of existence: the everyday mode and the ontological mode (from onto, "being", and the suffix ~logy, "study of"). In your everyday mode, you are entirely absorbed in your surroundings, and you marvel at how things are in the world; whereas in the ontological mode, you focus on and appreciate the miracle of "being" itself and marvel that things area, that you are.
There is a crucial difference between how things are and that things are. When absorbed in everyday mode, you turn toward such evanescent distrations as physical appearance, style, possessions, or prestige. In the ontological mode, by contrast, you are not only more aware of existance and mortality and life's other inmutable characteristics but also more anxious and more primed to make significant changes. You are prompted to grapple with your fundamental human responsibility to construct an authentic life of engagement, connectivity, meaning, and self-fulfillment." p33-34, Staring at the Sun by Irvin Yalom.

Could it be possible to experience life as part of Death and Death as part of life in everyday. That in fact in embracing the other/diversity one does not loose individuality. Could this be what some describe as the third way? A uniting of the everyday with awareness. Some would call this blaspheme. For Spirit  would not appear to be locked away.    

When we face our mortality we become mindful of being. We become aware that each moment passes. As each cell is born it will die. To be replaced by another. As it is not possible to hold onto each breath. We all will reach that moment of our last breath.

Living in the city it is hard to remember the connection with the cycles of life. No longer is food dug from earth or meat an animal killed.

Still I find myself naked as I wander through the forest. Winding. I follow the root, the branch, the rustling leaves, warmth of earth and smell of green. Some would call this a dream.

“Whether we realize it or not, we are all dreaming the world into being. What we're engaging in is not the sleeping act we're so familiar with, but rather a type of dreaming we do with our eyes open. When we're unaware that we share the power to co-create reality with the universe itself, that power slips away from us, causing our dream to become a nightmare. We begin to feel we're the victims of an unknown and frightening creation that we're unable to influence, and events seem to control and trap us. That only way to end this dreadful reality is to awaken to the fact that it too is a dream - and then recognize our ability to write a better story, one that the universe will work with us to manifest" p1, Courageous Dreaming by Alberto Villoldo

Another strand is loosened. I unravel. All those knots stitches that pulled me together. Shaped into being. I am falling apart. Asking who the hell or is it heaven on earth am I?

And so I realize that my mind is small. Fearful. It has been telling me stories of the ultimate fear in death. Being lost.

"But to be a person means to be faced every minute with the decision to live or die, to accept the invitations for more vitality or to decline them out of fear or lethargy". p35, Dark Nights of the Soul by Thomas Moore.

I begin to realise that my mind fears the unknown which is life. Being alive. Being with possibility. Being with beauty. Being open. Not in control. Being with the infinite that exists outside and inside.  To celebrate diversity. To value life. To dare to crack open the heart. Some call this Love. Some call this Divine. Some call this being alive.

It with this connection I frame this passage between the picture which gave birth to colour ~ And my new birthed drum made with blood earth. Dragon blood. Held by the wisdom of Yew and Beech. Witnessed by two magical gatekeepers of the Crafting in Spirit ~ 'Shamanic Druidry'

I call this the voice of my heart

Cornwall

 

Zennor

 

Mousehole

 

Barbara Hepworth Garden St Ives

Cadair Idris

with child eyes wonder we see in every day

sound                reach               we                        sky                       we              for                of
        of      sky           for       so    remember     to      with       mouth     fly    fish    we    born   water
             rain                   earth                     look               open                like             are   
                 
                   
                            

Ho' opononopo

With the sun bright and brilliantly hot today I sat in the park with two friends as the near by fitness club blasted out dance music. We asked surely this must be painful for them? Hitting pounding their eardrums their bodies? But why do people do this? How can they hear the music when it's so loud?

A child is born into this world wanting to be loved and to love. That is our natural state of being. A child can only thrive through food from the heart. Look what food we are feeding our children. Drinks from plastic bottles filled with fluorescent coloured drinks layered with artificial ingredients manufactured from laboratories.

And so I ask how can people enjoy and call these experiences as healthy and nourishing. Could these be in fact symptomatic of di-sease with oneself and others. Could these be in fact addictions where natural responses have been silenced. For everything is vibration. Is sound. So many are choosing noise.

For me it is a challenge being with honesty and compassion for those are two main tools for healing. And are of the Heart. One could say but surely this should come so easily? Surely, it is our natural state of being to be able to be honest with ourselves and others. To love ourselves and others. To have empathy for ourselves and others. To be able to feel and not numb ourselves from ourselves, from each other, from life. To in fact fully embrace and be in Life. Be in Love. For I often reflect on how powerful an open heart is when I am met by the gaze of the tender vulnerability of an open child.

If a child is brought into this world experiencing neglect and/or abuse from their parents. A child will find this not only confusing but also life threatening. And so the child builds layers of defence against this threat. The bigger the threat either in frequency or volume then the child will need a defence of equal power to protect against this threat. This defence a child builds in order to numb against  the pain. Parents after all are more powerful. The child is totally dependent on their parents. And so we learn these mantras ~ "Parents must be right". "Parents do not lie". The child must survive. Survive in order to be fed food for their bodies as well as their hearts.

We learn how to behave from our parents. So we grow up into adults with our parents inside us. If we had healthy parents these internalised parents would be affirming and positive. Not fearful. We would have a sense of security along with freedom to explore. And those parents would not overshadow but be integrated into our own adult selves. Supporting us to be our unique selves while at the same time having an experience of belonging and inter-connectedness.

Because it is our natural state of being to want to heal. People search out people to play out the same story or similar stories which fit nicely together. In the attempt to heal the original patterns and wounds. But the problem is that we are not always aware of this process and it can be incredibly painful to be shown our own negative behaviours/patterns. For those defences kept us alive. And instead we can get stuck in reliving the past. Reinforcing the story of blame and shame. Of fear.

So the defences from childhood become tangled up in who we think we are. What we think others want. We then add to those knots believing the knots will hold us together. Binding making us strong. Some knots have hidden knots inside them. Some knots have incredible textures and colours. Amazing patterns. For they must be cunning, devious and delicate. Distracting us from revealing who we really are. Distracting others. We continue to lie to ourselves that these defences are not hurting us. Because we are stuck in defending from the original hurt. We are stuck on repeat. With the terrible truth that knots breed causing more hurts. We continue to label co-dependency as loving others and ourselves. As the saying goes we tie ourselves up into knots. For fear if we pull on one of those threads what will hold us together? .

I am reminded of the line in Peter Gabriel's song Signal To Noise ~

"yet there's still something in my heart

that can find a way to turn up the signal

wipe out the noise"

It can take courage to be honest. It is vital that with that honesty comes compassion. And for some this can be a life long journey to unpick those knots and threads. For if those knots took years in making that span generations. Then it will take energy, focus, commitment, time and care to for healing. For this complex story has woven many together. When we heal ourselves we are supporting others in their healing. Our knots can also be their knots. Even in our darkest of times when feeling isolated and defeated. We are 'in this together'. 

I would also reflect and wonder at how much I have learnt from my healing. How much understanding I have of others in pain. I would give thanks for this healing. I would give thanks to the people who I have asked to join me on my journey. As I now know that they came into my life to heal themselves and me. With this thanks I realise there is forgiveness that is all encompassing. And I realise more and more that through this healing I have been gaining knowledge which is supporting others on their path to healthiness.

Finally I end this post with Ho' opononopo the ancient Huna Hawaiian forgiveness practise to "set right," release karma, and cut any cords of pain of debt that in fact go back generations. I send out this prayer:~

I am sorry

Please forgive me

I love you

Thank you.